Family in Ministry 2 of 5 - Marriage

Since third culture kids do not have geographic roots in one location, their sense of rootedness and belonging comes from the relationship between mom and dad.  What does that mean?  David Pollack has, over many years, researched the lives of third culture kids. You can read his very helpful insights in his book.  He states that kids who grow up overseas live in a world filled with cross-cultural transitions and high mobility.  Therefore they have the sense of being profoundly connected and yet simultaneously disconnected with people and places around the world.  As they grow up, they experience many losses especially (sucronically?) disrupted relationships.  Connectedness plays a very fundamental role in shaping one’s life.  It gives stability and security in the midst of a constantly changing and at risk world.  Children find this connectedness and security primarily in their own family. I think you can agree how important your marriage is for a stable home.   When your relationship is alive and well, it provides the foundation and security that children need to grow and develop in healthy ways overseas. 

You may ask: ”What are the ingredients in a healthy marriage in an overseas context as compared to a home-based one?”  Well, many are the same, but there are some that are very specific in the ministry context.  Let me outline three points that will help you to build a strong foundation in your marriage. 

Firstly, cultivate your relationship.  If you think back to the time when you were dating one another, doesn’t that give you a special feeling?  You tried to spend every free moment together.  You enjoyed one another’s company.  You had lots to share.  You cultivated that love by spending quality time with one another. What about now?  Yes, you have kids.  You have a full-time job to do be it inside or outside the house.  There are many demands and challenges for both of you, especially as you minister overseas.  And seemingly unnoticed these quality times slip to the background, are pushed away through children’s needs, visitors, pressing jobs, or even sheer exhaustion and tiredness.  Local cultural habits and restrictions such as the seclusion of women or gender separation add their pitch to the process of alienation.  Doesn’t that sound familiar?  The more you let these quality times slip, the more you endanger your marriage to run dry and consequently, your family to destabilize.  Therefore, I encourage you to set regular dates for your marriage, weekly or at least twice a month, times which are undisturbed. For that purpose you might even have to switch off the phone and door bell.  Be creative how you spend this precious time.  I also want to encourage you to keep your sexual relationship alive. Stress, tiredness, and all kinds of frustration can hinder you from expressing your love for one another in this beautiful way.  But if you neglect your sexual life, you might call for more problems, as these desires need to be met in both partners.  You might find yourself struggling with sexual fantasies, internet pornography, or even the danger of other relationships can become a very real threat to your marriage.  Your marriage is very important to God, even more important than your family and your ministry.  To spend quality time with your spouse is not selfish, but a great witness and a model for your kids and the people you are ministering to.  It teaches right priorities.

The second point that will help you to build a strong foundation in your marriage is about growth.  Promote each other’s personal, emotional, and spiritual growth.  When you go overseas, you go through a phase of tremendous loss and change.  You as a couple and your children, you loose your frame of reference, you loose your close family and friends-your home, your job, the familiarity of your own culture, and even to some extent, a part of your own identity.  You are no more known as the person you grew up to be, but you are starting from scratch to build up your reputation.  I guess the enormity of changes make it obvious how important it is that both partners feel called and at peace to work abroad.  Just following the partner out of obedience or with personal reservations is very risky and calls for trouble.  During this phase, which can last many months, even years, you are more vulnerable than in your familiar place back home. Additionally, you encounter spiritual challenges be it through other belief systems, or threats of disunity, accusation, or sickness.  If you are not careful, you may misinterpret your partner’s words and actions and allow roots or bitterness and resentment to grow.  And if only one of the partners has a responsible role that allows him to grow, the other one may feel useless and deteriorate.  Therefore, be mindful of one another.  Watch out for danger signs.  Don’t deny problems.  Seek a mentor or advice from friends if you feel stuck.  Make sure that there is a balance in the fulfillment of your lives so that you don’t live at the cost of your partner.  Make sure that each one has an area where you can grow, where you feel challenged and fulfilled, otherwise you might find yourself growing frustrated and bitter.  Encourage and strengthen one another.  Pray for and with one another.  That is the strongest weapon against emotional and spiritual setbacks and for healthy growth.

The third point that will help you to build a strong foundation in your marriage is to be honest and respectful.  When stress mounts, it is so easy to become sarcastic, cynical, and hurtful. I’m sure you would agree.  There are many factors that can accumulate and cause you to loose your temper-not enough sleep, hot and humid climate, sickness, demands and overload, spiritual oppression.  You could probably add many more points.  There is also the times when dialog between the partners and prayer become a sporadic exercise.  In these times of tension and crisis, you become more critical of your partner, less respectful and appreciative.  You start to pretend and be evasive.  These are danger signs you have to be very mindful of.  Having different opinions or feelings doesn’t mean that one is wrong, but that we have to be open-minded to listen and try to understand and accept the fact that we all have different personalities which actually change and grow in the context of overseas work. 

Transparency in marriage is very vital for your survival overseas. As you don’t have all the support systems of your home country, you depend much more on one another.  This dependency can only work when you are honest and transparent.  Otherwise you quickly slip into wearing masks trying to cover up your needs or frustrations. Try to express your love for one another as much as possible.  Show signs of appreciation in creative ways-flowers, cards, special little gifts, giving one another time and space for personal reflection and recreation, are all signs of love and value and respect for one another.  This way you not only protect your love, but model good life and communication tools to your children and to co-workers.  Be aware that you are models for committed love for social, for emotional and spiritual integrity.  As a wise proverb says, “an ounce of example is worth a pound of teaching.” Maybe you feel overwhelmed now and you think, “Can I set the right priorities in my marriage?  Where do I find the time for dates to cultivate the relationship with my partner?  How can I promote my partner’s emotional and spiritual growth if I can’t even care for my own?  From where do I get the patience and the energy to be transparent and respectful and to be a good model for our children so that they feel secure?” 

I can sympathize with these questions.  I have been struggling with them for many years.  The answer lies in the secret of always starting with one point only.  Sit together as a couple and think through which of the issues you both have the most difficulties with.  Is it quality time?  Is it caring for one another?  Or is it honesty and appreciation?  Make a commitment to set time apart to work on the one issue that you feel needs the most improvement.  You can even set some clear goals and be accountable to one another.  And if you need outside help, and have a trusted person on your field, set up some accountability structures.  Always keep in mind, praying couples have the strongest advocate and helper. 

In our next session I will share with you how you can show unconditional love to your children.