Family in Ministry 1 of 5

For nearly twenty years, I have lived with my family overseas, mainly in East Africa and Central Asia, and raised four children in different cultures.  I have realized, over time, that living abroad is not just a question of parents’ work and ministry, but one that affects the whole family.  Our children are now young adults, so called “ATCKs,” that means Adult Third Culture Kids.  They deal like most others with issues such as loss and change, identity and rootedness.  But they are at the same time excited about their privileged lives-their extended world view and cross-cultural learning. 

I am myself a psychologist and I have in many ways helped and counseled overseas workers on the field who struggled with personal or cultural issues, who were traumatized by threats, robbery, by kidnapping, even rape or expulsion or even war.  I have supported local women who were exposed to tremendous hardships in their lives.

Living overseas is a huge challenge, not only in unsettled countries.  It means moving out from the familiar to the unknown.  You, as parents, take these steps out of obedience and careful consideration.  But how much does it affect your children?  their sense of security?  their future?  their personal faith?  How does your ministry and cross-cultural work impact them?  Having worked with families overseas and with
Third Culture Kids on different occasions lately, I have become more aware of their inner needs-of the undealt past they carry with them, of the loss they grieve, and the resentment they struggle with.  Do you, as parents, take these issues into consideration?  Basically it is a question of right priorities.  You have to make sure that it is not a question of family versus ministry, but rather that the commitment is to both - to family and ministry.  These are not mutually exclusive options.  If you put the ministry over the family, you make a sacrifice of the wrong things.  If you put the family over the ministry and focus on safety and freedom from hardship and pain, you might be in danger of being static.  Tears and grieving as well as joy are all part of life.  You can’t follow God without these experiences.  You, therefore, have to make sure that you keep the right balance as a family in ministry.  You might ask, what about sacrifice?  I agree.  Commitment to God and to ministry does require sacrifice - for example, leaving your home and friends, moving into a new culture, adjusting to a potentially risky environment.  But it does not require the sacrifice of your children.  Proper care of one’s children is not a challenge to obedience to God’s call, it is obedience.  God has entrusted them to us, to give them love, a good home, security, and to be a good model to them.  This is a tremendous task in itself and all the more when you live cross-culturally. 

In the last years a number of counselors, like Dave Pollock and others, have looked at the concept of living as family in ministry trying to do justice to both.  I want to outline with you a few guidelines that will give you a better understanding of this helpful concept of family in ministry.

Let’s look at the first one.  There are things that can or cannot be done at certain times in the ministry over the family.  Let’s look at some examples.  There is a birthday party, a school play, a long-planned family outing, maybe a graduation or just daily family times, whatever the occasion, something that gives clear priority to the family needs, where work and ministry have to step back.  There may be other situations and times where the ministry will have priority like certain festivities, invitations, or meetings where the children understand its importance.  Especially as kids get older, these times can be talked through and agreed upon which will prevent unnecessary frustrations. 

The second guideline spells out that there are advantages to both family and ministry over the course of a lifetime.  A family can reach out to families.  It can be a model for Christian living where you learn to be honest and respect one another.  On the other hand, the ministry can enrich your family values as you learn to respect other cultures, traditions, beliefs, and even other food. 

Thirdly, the concept of family in ministry is a useful frame of reference.  It helps you to keep a proper balance in life, to make sure you are mindful of both needs.  It helps address the issue of attrition.  So many families leave the field because their ministry gets out of balance.  The family starts struggling and the father, or both parents, suffer from a burnout. 

Let’s look at the fourth guideline.  Each member of the family is important as a subject of care and also important as a caregiver.  It is not only the ministry of the father and mother that matters, but each member of the family has needs and is able to meet the needs of others, be it in the family or with outsiders.  Especially in the area of expecting prayer and building relationships, kids can be a tremendous blessing that adults can learn from. 

Let’s look at the fifth guideline.  Through model and ministry, the family, as a unit, communicates the message that God is in Christ reconciling the world to Himself.  The family can be a wonderful proof of the outworking of the Lord’s command to love one another so that the world will get to know Him.  I have witnessed that many times people observe our family values and check them for credibility.

So how can you translate this concept into your life, into your family situation, and into your ministry?  In the next few sessions, I will outline some basic issues that are helpful to raise healthy Third Culture Kids that will enable them to be a part of family ministry.  I will be looking at an important foundation and that is to keep your marriage strong.  For now, keep in mind that if you have children, God has called you as a family.  You have to make sure that it is not a question of family versus ministry, but rather that the commitment is to both - to family and to ministry.  These are not mutually exclusive options.  Maybe you are stirred and wonder if you have the right balance.  I want to encourage you sit down with your partner and lay that question before the Lord.  He might show you some areas that need correction.  Why not write them down, and as we go through this program, it could help you to take concrete steps.